505

I believe that attachment and fear were what led me to madness and evil. It all started on May 5th of 2021. On this day, I found something out that excited me. But the knowledge caused me to have expectations and hopes, and those led to literal insanity.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk about this for a while, because I’ve known it’s too interesting of a story not to share. But I want to protect my privacy, too. Plus, I’ve been trying to process it. The best way I can explain it is that I left myself open to demonic influence by being attached to a desire.

Under the influence of demonic trickery, I made constant reckless decisions for a while, starting with quitting my jobs and not paying my rent anymore in 2021. This is after a lifetime of being an on-time rent and bills-payer.

I try not to regret too much because I can’t change the past, so I tend to look for silver linings in past mistakes. The silver lining here is that I literally went, “Jesus, take the wheel” (of my life in every way) and He did. I should have been locked up or homeless way earlier than I was. A voice promised me I wouldn’t be evicted in 2021 and I wasn’t.

I’m not proud of it, but I lived in my apartment without paying June through November and ended up leaving for a different reason than eviction. I also stopped paying my electric in June, but my power stayed on until October. Starting in 2022, I ended up locked up for 15 months and if I wasn’t, I would have been homeless during that. Even while I was homeless for 5 days, I had what I needed and people willing to help me.

Being on the street for 5 days was so rough that I know for sure 15 months or more out there would have completely eaten my soul. I am glad I stayed at that hospital for so long (8 months). I was too delusional to function because I believed I was going to die so I didn’t give a fuck about my future. I even stopped brushing my teeth for a long time.

I see it as a blessing that I was given a long sentence at a time when I would have been homeless in Nebraska in July. That is how women get trafficked, and it’s a miracle that I wasn’t. I had a mysterious stranger help me a lot while I was out there, and I only realized recently that he was trying to figure out how to pimp me out the entire time.

I’m a firm believer that reality is a simulation, and I experience a lot of synchronicity (enough to convince me that how the Universe works is a mystery). On this blog, I’m going to write about how silly it is to approach the Universe as though it’s a machine, or as though the voices that mentally ill people hear are always hallucinations.

We live in a world that neglects the spiritual side of things, and even scoffs at the existence of the supernatural. Considering how real it is, it seems like a shame not to at least consider it. What if, as a skeptical person, you’re wrong about demons being fake? The best way to be extra vulnerable to something is to deny its existence.

The invisible world is real, which is an easy enough concept for people to grasp when it comes to atoms, gravity, air, or germs. What we can sense is such a tiny portion of reality. I would invite people who are skeptical about the existence of the supernatural to go camping with some mushrooms and humble yourself before Nature.

I don’t know why I am so blessed, but I know that I want to share what I have experienced. Many people will think that I’m still delusional based on the fact that I believe I was evil due to demons and not mental illness. You can think that, if you want.