I’m starting this blog because I’m returning to writing. I’ve been reflecting on the last 5 years of my life(which have looked incomprehensible to onlookers) and have a lot that I’d like people who know me (and people who don’t) to understand.
Basically, I turned evil for 5 years of my life, starting at age 31. I’m not sure if it’s possible to explain how it happened, but I’ll do my best. I’m writing this blog as someone who feels personally protected by God and want to share stories about that, as well.
Professional psychologists and many others would explain what happened to me as the onset of schizophrenia. I think that’s grossly oversimplified. Not to mention, just yesterday, I was told my diagnosis was wrong all along. Apparently I’m “Bipolar with schizoaffective tendencies” now, guys! Because someone with a clipboard said it? lol.
So, how would you explain that, everyone? Was I schizophrenic and now I’m something else? Or could it be that labeling something as complex (and supernatural) as what I went through “mental illness” simply doesn’t make sense?
I won’t deny the fact that what I went through had symptoms that align with schizoaffective and bipolar disorders. For example, hearing voices, staying awake for long periods of time, and having delusions. I experienced catatonia, and severe depression, as well.
I had some major delusions, such as believing I was going to die for several years, and believing that humanity is evil and deserves to be wiped out. The way I explain what happened to me is I made choices that led to being under demonic influence and became purely psychopathic as a result.
I scored 93/100 on Psychology Today’s test for psychopathy in February. I took it again recently and scored significantly lower. But what I find even more reassuring than that is the fact that I am curious about people again and find myself smiling at babies.
I wasn’t really one to smile at babies, even before I became evil, and I certainly wasn’t one to want to hold them. It’s my belief that I had some really deep-seated issues, or I couldn’t have become so cruel for so long.
I believe in God, I believe in spirits, and I believe in spiritual warfare. Not going to lie, I have been jealous of people who have the luxury of denying the reality of demons, and even the supernatural. That stuff is real, and I’m not afraid of being labeled a fruit loop for saying it.
I want to take this opportunity to apologize to my friends and family, because I hope they read it. I imagine sending this out later, because I’m sure there are curious people out there.
So, I’ll just say sorry to all humans.
I really did believe that literally all of you were scum. I had very scary experiences that led me to this belief. I will give an example. During the holiday season of 2024, I believed my family was going to poison me and drop me off in a bad part of town naked, to live out my days homeless.
Why would I believe something that crazy? Because I could hear my brother, dad, and brother’s fiancée’s voices in my mind threatening me. Why didn’t I just assume these were hallucinations? Because demons can seem to “prove” things. Bear with me for a moment…
One day, I was sitting out on the couch at my brother’s house, where I was renting a room at the time. His voice was in my mind talking trash to me. As any reasonable person would, I assumed this was fake. I always told myself that.
But “Russell” told me, telepathically, that he was about to come out of his room and look at me and laugh. He proceeded to do exactly that.
Another time, I was eating ice cream in the kitchen. Ice cream usually didn’t last long in that house as both me and my dad had strong sweet tooths back then. He was going through chemo, and I was pacing around my room stuck in paranoid thought loops, unable to quiet the voices in my mind down.
This led to me having my first experiences with binge eating. I was also on four meds at the time, and addicted to TikTok.
So anyway, I couldn’t stay away from ice cream and I was eating some. I heard my “dad” in my mind telling me that no one was going to touch that ice cream after I had touched it. I didn’t believe this at all, but it was true. No one ate the ice cream and it sat there for weeks. Alone, I wouldn’t consider something this small as “evidence,” but I’ve had too many experiences that validate that spirits are very real.
At the risk of sounding completely crazy, and I will to some people which I just have to live with, I also have had encouraging voices. There’s one that predicts the future in reassuring ways. Here’s an example of that:
“Wells, it’s time to go,” the corrections officer said after opening my cell. “What do you mean?” I said. “You’re rollin’ out!”
I followed the officer downstairs and walked into a group with several other COs standing around. One of them said, “Where is she going?” and another responded, “She’s going to state.”
Considering that jail is county, I figured “state” could only mean prison.
Immediately, a voice told me, “You’re not going to prison, Chel.” But I didn’t believe the voice. I changed into the sweat pants and sweat shirt they had given me and went back out to the officers. I saw “LRC” written on a form they were asking me to sign.
“Is that Lincoln Regional Center?” I asked and the officer, who seemed disappointed, said “Yeah.” I had heard other inmates talking about it; it was a hospital.
I’ve had this reassuring voice predict things often enough to where I am starting to believe it the first time. The most recent prediction was “You aren’t going to be homeless.”
Given the fact that I was recently packing my car to live in it, I was skeptical to hear this. But it was true. It turns out, there are still people who love me, and I’m lucky (and blessed) once again.
I believe that I have been healed. While I will stay on meds so that my family doesn’t worry, my healing or presence of “symptoms” has nothing to do with medication. I had some of my worst “hallucinations” while medicated, and broke through the demonic influence with an epiphany in July, which was when the voices stopped, before going back on antipsychotic shots.
The voices stopped while I was in the psych ward for the final time (3 months ago). They ended with a memory I had of someone telling me that he heard his loved ones in his mind talking trash to him.
Back then, I immediately thought “that sounds like demonic entities.” It clicked that I had been under the influence of demonic entities, and the voices stopped. I realized that I had been believing crazy things due to “proof” that could be fabricated.
Medications never took my voices away (yes, I tried several), and that’s because they are spirits. I have a dream to help people realize this. In the meantime, if you or anyone you know struggles with demonic voices, saying the name “Jesus” or “Christ” repeatedly made mine quiet down. You don’t have to call yourself a Christian to try it.
Goodbye for now, and thanks for reading.
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